Charlie, are you ok? Are you concerned that your incessant, relentless, unabashed display of substance abuse will come back to bite you?
“Dying’s for fools.”
Ummm… ok. But have you kicked the habit, or are you still partying with porn stars?
“I am on a drug.”
Oh; right now? Well what is it? Cocaine? Ice? Maybe a little bit of the green stuff?
“It’s called Charlie Sheen!”
Curious. Well, I’m intrigued. Tell me more.
“It’s not available, because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
Hmmm… are you perplexed by Sheen’s incoherent-but-definitely-not-drug-induced rantings?
We’ll help you get your head around it with some intuitive data visualizations.
Wow, perhaps you should stick to crack. Are you on crack now?
“[The last time I took drugs] I probably took more than anybody could survive [doing]. I was bangin’ seven gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll, I have one speed, I have one gear – GO!”
So what you’re saying is that you love taking copious amounts of drugs?
“What’s not to love [about doing drugs and partying]? You should see how I party; It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
That makes absolutely no sense. What’s going on behind that blood-shot, vacant gawp?
“Well, you borrow my brain for five seconds, and just be like, dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. Because it fires in a way that is, I dunno, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.”
So you admit that you’re not normal?
“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special.”
I said normal; not special.
“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star!”
That’s really not what I was implying. I meant that you’re acting crazy. Some people are saying that you’re bi-polar… that you’re on two ends of the spectrum.
“I’m bi-winning… I win here and I win there.”
Sure you are Charlie. Sure you are.